Helping Our Children Cope with War and Violence Saturday, May 10, 2003  Basic Principles 1) Stay close and loving with your family and friends  1) Listen to each other - what beliefs and information do each of you have?  2) Answer questions honestly  3) Research the issues together, and  4) Model action congruent with your beliefs  Developmental considerations: Limit time watching electronic media portrayals of war and violence  When you do watch, watch together  Encourage your children to talk about what they see and hear, and how they each feel about it  To encourage their talking, be a patient, non-judgmental listener  Children under eight  1) More easily confuse real violence with entertainment violence  2) May not understand real pain, real destruction, or real death  3) Need more protection from overwhelming images of violence  4) Often play out their anxieties rather than talking about them  5) May benefit from adults providing words to describe their play concerns  Therefore: 1) Reassure them you love them  2) Limit their exposure to television news  3) Ask them what they have heard, what they think about it, how they feel about it  4) Let their questions guide the information you provide  5) Give honest answers at their level of understanding  6) It's normal and healthy to be upset by war and real violence  7) Maybe someday they will help the world to get along without war and to limit violence  Things kids say, and how to respond: In general, draw out your children when they ask a question. What have they heard? What do they already know or think? How bothered are they? Do they need information or reassurance or both? Then do your best to provide what they need, or help them to find it. 5-year-old: Why don't they use their words?  Answer: Sometimes adults can't get along and start to fight with each other and even sometimes kill each other. But you're right, it's best to use your words.  7-year-old: Is one of those missiles going to hit us?  Answer: No, those missiles are falling on a city very far from here. [Take out your atlas or globe and show where the bombs are falling and where you are.]  10-year-old: I heard some kids say Saddam Hussein and George Bush are both criminals?  Answer: What do you know about each of these men? What crimes are your friends saying they committed? Let's look this up and see what we can learn. [This is prime time to encourage your kids to think. Draw out their perceptions, feelings, ideas, and conclusions. If their questions stump you, offer to investigate together.]  Younger Teenager: You know this war is illegal and we're going to pay.  Answer: Tell me more. What's illegal about it and how are we going to pay? [Find out how well informed your child is, how well his logic holds together, how well he can argue his point of view. Then tell him what you think and why, that is, if he's interested.]  Older Teenager: If we don't stop guys like Saddam Hussein, we won't be safe in our own beds. I'm going to sign up for the Army.  Answer: Tell me more about Saddam Hussein. What do you think makes him so dangerous? Show me where you got your information, so I can study up, too. What options do you have in joining the military? Let's look at all of them.  [Again, these are great opportunities to engage your kids in dialogue about important issues that will have a big impact on their lives. It helps them take world issues seriously and to learn sound thinking skills.]  David C. Hall, M.D.  Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist  http://www.FamilyHealing.com  (c) 2003 Montlake Family Press