Reviews
YoungMinds Magazine 58, London, England, May/Jun 2002
"YoungMinds is the national [British] children's mental health charity committed to improving the mental health of all children."
Let there be peace
David Hall's Stop Arguing and Start Understanding is the result of the author's many years of work with troubled families. This highly readable book sets out to inspire parents and family members to accept responsibility for changing painful patterns in family life.
Inspiration for Hall's work began in what he describes as the 'dingy, gray and brown world of a 1930's housing project in Cambridge, Massachusetts.' As Hall and other Harvard students befriended boys from the Roosevelt Towers, he imagined how his own life could have turned out had he grown up in similar circumstances.
Stop Arguing and Start Understanding promotes a no-blame, non-violent approach to parenting and family healing and is based on the principle that every person deserves a healthy family, anyone can change for the better and one determined parent can effect changes. The reader is encouraged to find ways of re-directing the energy spent in arguments, towards action in creating a more positive family culture.
This book succeeds in demystifying some of the techniques for change used in professional counselling and making the accessible to families. Statements such as 'You are the expert on your own family', 'The challenge of good parenting is to find the good parent within you' and 'Try to see family conflicts through the eyes of your children', are backed up with immensely practical ideas for working towards change.
The author draws on his many encounters with families in crisis and uses situation dialogue, to illustrate the ways actual families - the McGraths, the Hazens and the Durrens - get in and out of trouble.
I like the way this book is arranged. A quiz about parental strengths and shortcomings serves as a warm-up exercise and starting point and leads into 'Accepting Responsibility to Lead Your Family's Journey To Health', the first of the eight steps to solving family conflicts. The reader is invited to read the whole book first and then to dip into the chapters most relevant to needs.
The topics are covered in some depth; for example, Step Two, 'Identify the Roots of Your Family's Conflict', looks at current culture, individual temperament, mental disorders and how to recognise your emotional legacies or 'ghosts'. Step Four, 'Create the Family Culture You Want', invites the reader to put the preparation from the previous steps into practice to create a changed family atmosphere. Central to this step is the promotion of mutual respect between children and adults, with the emphasis on adults accepting responsibility for their mistakes and modelling the behaviour they expect from their children. Step Seven, 'Pursue Spiritual Health', explores ways of developing spirituality as a route to mental health. Although this is a welcome addition to a book on families, and there are some very useful ideas, it doesn't seem to flow as well as the rest of the book. There is some confusion between religion and spirituality, and Hall does project his personal view of God in the early part of the chapter. Later on, however, he addresses a wider readership and acknowledges that spirituality does not require adherence to a particular religion. Broader dimensions of spirituality are explored under headings such as, 'Our Common Humanity; Celebrate Life, Beauty and Becoming'.
Each section of step concludes with suggestions for change and there is a comprehensive appendix and resources, particularly for mental illness. A British supplement would be useful for parent libraries, as the resources and bibliography are complied for American readers.
This book is very easy to read and has a wealth of ideas for families who wish to use a self-help approach. People working in the field of family support, who are in a position to share some of the insights and practical ideas, could find the ideas very useful both in one-to-one contact with parents and in group situations with families.
-- Chris Dodd
Chris Dodd works for POPANVA - Promotion of parenting a non-violent approach
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The Phoenix (St. Paul, Minnesota), October 2001, "From Books, Etc." by Audrey DeLaMartre, M.A.
Interesting, isn’t it, that what we read to help our kids be better people, helps us to be better people, too? Differences between people are natural, but they don’t have to become conflicts, Hall shows, if we learn to use the relationship tools he provides. The tools are few, and our decision to use them to institute change is a brilliant first step. Recognizing that we are responsible, not to blame, for our family’s conflict, is the first step. The second is to identify the roots of the conflict (our emotional legacies), and to put our lives in order is the third step. From there we begin to create the family we want, and here’s my favorite part, we learn to do so with gentleness and tenacity. Gentleness and tenacity. Oh, how the world needs those qualities, those skills. We are advised to seek help from a therapist and/or books, find supportive friends, pursue spiritual health, and hang in there! A gentle bear hug of a book. Available at 888-565-3404, or in bookstores.
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King County Medical Society Bulletin , Nov/Dec 2001, reviewed by Alexander Stevens, M.D.
David Hall, a Seattle psychiatrist, has written this guide for those who have, or wish to avoid, serious family conflicts. When a freshman at Harvard, he worked with a group of inner-city children (personified in the book by Leo, aged seven), with talking, playing games, taking field trips, and learning to get along. These activities continued through his undergraduate years, and, much later, after medical school, led to psychiatry and work with children and adults in emotional turmoil. His approach to family healing is based on six principles: every person is precious; anyone can change for better; one determined parent can make a difference; good information gives better choices; life gets better as we learn to work together; growing spiritually helps families find fulfillment and peace.
The book is divided into eight steps
1. Accept responsibility
2. Identify the roots of family conflict
3. Put your own life in order first
4. Create the family culture you want
5. Ask for help
6. Find friends for yourself and your family
7. Pursue spiritual health
8. Refuse to give up
There are a number of specific examples of troubles families, and how he dealt with them. Three, especially, are the McGraths, whose problems grew out of alcoholism; a Ms. Hazen, whose life was off track due to a bipolar disorder she did not know about, and who responded to medication; and the Durrens, whose overreaction to their son's shoplifting arose from "ghosts" in their past. Mrs. Durren's memory of her father lying idly on a couch when his ulcers hurt caused her to resent her son lounging in a similar position. Mr. Durren's memories of being hit by his father caused him to consider abusing his son in like manner. Talking these memories and reactions over with the doctor resulted in improvement.
There are many examples of family problems, with Dr. Hall's methods of dealing with them. Highlights include current cultural changes (both parents work; divorce; mind-numbing diet of T.V. and video games); personality differences; mental disorders and the need for skilled medical psychiatry (including drugs); and emotional legacies from past life, which he calls "ghosts." Healing your family starts with healing yourself. "Yelling at your kids to stop yelling won't set the example you want." Hall states the five basic skills of good parenting are: talk lovingly and listen lovingly; see through your children's eyes; model love and respect; do what your heart tells you is right; persevere and enjoy your children. There is a list of virtues that permeate healthy parenting and child interactions, and they are similar to those recorded by Benjamin Franklin at age 22, as a guide for his own life. Noting that self-esteem is built by age six, the author stresses the importance of early application of parenting skills.
Seeking help is a step often overlooked, and Hall describes many methods, from simple recreation and hobbies, through various support groups, spiritual community, to professional evaluation. The latter is essential for serious violations of interpersonal boundaries, such a physical attack or repeated verbal humiliation. Active addition and suicidal depression, which are potentially reversible, require immediate professional help.
The need for friends is stressed. Spiritual health is emphasized. The final step, "Refuse to give up," is enthusiastically pushed, with a dramatic example of a woman undergoing treatment for breast cancer while her family was breaking up, husband leaving, children disturbed. Her persistence in living lead to a happy outcome.
This book is an admirable summary of one doctor's dealing with disturbed families. His writing in inspiring to us all, sick and well.
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Ernest Becker Foundation Newsletter, January 2002--Review by Daniel Liechty*
Dr. Hall is a Seattle psychiatrist specializing in child and family therapy and former president of Physicians for Social Responsibility. He is also seen regularly at events sponsored by the Ernest Becker Foundation.
In this book, Dr. Hall writes in very accessible language about family conflicts: how such conflicts can be avoided, and how they can be resolved when they do occur in such a way that the family bond is strengthened and emotional, psychological and spiritual growth may result.
The book, published in Seattle by Montlake Family Press, 2001, brims with therapeutic insight combined with solid common sense and practice wisdom. This is a practice-oriented book rather than a scholarly book, so only direct quotes are cited. However, this does not detract from the depth of the material.
Ernest Becker's influence is also clearly reflected in the ease with which Dr. Hall ingrates systems, emotion, psychology and spirituality into the processes of family communication, interaction and conflict resolution. Although this book will be of primary interest to other family counselors and therapists, it might also prove quite valuable for those who work in other areas such as communications and conflict resolution.
At the same time I was preparing this review, I happened to be reading Deborah Tannen's book, The Argument Culture: Moving From Debate to Dialogue (Random House 1998). It struck me how similar the advice offered in these two books is in terms of how one can take conflict and turn it around into positive opportunities for growth. In fact, if one had to choose, most of the time Dr. Hall's advice and presentation is quite the superior of the two.
With the dogs of war again being released in this land, we may assume that frequent heated argument is in our future, and any skills we can develop that would help us turn these encounters from mutual spleen-venting into opportunities of genuine communication will be most essential. I can only hope that Dr. Hall's book is not overlooked as an effective resource for this learning process.
-- *Dan Liechty spent many years in mental health and hospice work, and now is a professor of social work at Illinois State University. He has doctorates in both historical theology and pastoral counseling and masters degrees in social work and in peace studies/ethics. His books include Transference and Transcendence: Ernest Becker's Contribution to Psychotherapy (Aronson 1995).