Handouts by Dr. Hall will give you hope, cheer, ideas, skills, and energy to keep you at the hard work of family change. Copy for non-profit use with credit to the author is granted without restriction.

"Facts for Families" from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychatry address over 80 specific problems.

School should be a happy place for children to make friends, build their confidence, exercise their curiosity, and learn to learn so they may grow into competence and wisdom.

Sadly, that's not always the way it is. For some children new schools are frightening. A few experience school as a dreadful place where they are taunted and excluded. Children with special learning problems often feel pressure to perform in ways they simply cannot. Frustration erupts into arguments at home, missed school, poor grades, and falling self-esteem.

1) Sympathize with your children's fears. Listen carefully as they describe their frustrations. Ask them to be specific. What are they upset about or afraid of at school? Brainstorm with them ways they can act differently to make school fun again. Help them set regular routines for study, sleep, and fun.

2) Keep yourself calm. Monitor your own frustrations. Figure out if your child's difficulties are a passing phase or do they persist. What action do you need to take to feel you're being a good parent? Let your love and wisdom dictate your responses.

3) Visit school with you child. Talk with his or her teachers. Get a feel for the atmosphere your child experiences every day. Learn about the program your child faces and how you might help. For example, reading together at home, checking homework, providing needed materials, finding a tutor, encouraging friendships, and supporting after school activities.

4) Be a supportive and encouraging teacher with your child. Keep their learning experience enjoyable. Praise their exercise of curiosity. Start while your children are infants and help them learn the joy of discovery. Children who love to learn find ways to learn wherever they are.

5) Be alert for special difficulties your children may have in school. Do they need extra help to deal with math? Is their handwriting unreadable? Do they need extra time reading aloud with you at home? If they consistently fall behind in a subject, look into the possibility they have a special learning disorder. Children who feel overwhelmed with learning are at risk for giving up. Getting angry or frustrated with them will only make it worse. They need your help, patience, understanding, and love. And they may need outside help as well.

For further ideas talk with your child's teachers and school counselor. Talk with other parents. Check out your local library or bookstore for ideas. Some problems will self-correct. Others need you to intervene before they get worse. The sooner you figure out what's causing your child to avoid school, the sooner you can help her or him get back on track.

Author, Stop Arguing and Start Understanding: Eight Steps to Solving Family Conflicts, Montlake Family Press, September 2001. 1-888-565-3404

Like it or not, we are immersed in a world where terror has always been a weapon of the weak and rageful. Over a million children are reported to Child Protective Services each year in the Unites States for suspected child abuse or neglect. Probably three times that many children face similar terror, but go unreported.

In the aftermath of September 11th many witnesses have reported hate crimes ranging from vulgar phone calls or catcalls to at least four murders within the following week.

First of all, I believe the cruelty unleashed in hate crimes comes from a sliver of the public and does not represent anything uniquely American. Bullies and tyrants populate virtually every culture on Earth - the perverted remnants of stolen childhoods (there have been fascinating exceptions for a time in Samoa and elsewhere).

In my thirty years of providing mental health care to thousands of individuals, I have yet to meet someone I believed was born evil. I have met and worked intensively with individuals who committed horrendous crimes of rape, battery, child molest, armed robbery, and murder. All of them knew the brutality of child abuse and neglect firsthand. Many shared with me their nightmares from childhood and their fantasies of revenge. Many of their lives were overwhelmed by mental disorders including depression, major mood swings, alcohol abuse, disabling learning problems, and unnerving post-traumatic stress symptoms.

What helped some of these people to establish caring relationships, often for the first time, was a combination of strict consequences for their crimes, a welcoming and respectful environment for exploring past emotional pain, and the steady, caring guidance of health workers willing to grant them a second chance. In response some family members were also able to participate in a healing process that included sharing openly their own emotional pain, getting help for mental problems of their own, and finding support for standing against coercive or secretive behaviors within the family.

Whole communities face abusive conditions at times. As a nation of immigrants, America has provided millions of people shelter from the storms of famine, religious intolerance, totalitarian brutality, and muzzled dissent. As a nation built on slavery, America has been a perpetrator of these same scourges on the conscience of humanity.

Our challenge now is to build a future based on respect for human rights, equality before the law, and generosity towards our fellow Earthlings. We drink the same water and breathe the same air. We need to share our stories with each other. We need to hold each other as precious even as we disagree with each other.

The cycle of abuse is predictable but not inevitable. Research shows that only half the children who are severely abused become abusers later on, although the other half suffer greatly and often become victims of abuse again.

The way out? We build a caring community that enforces physical and emotional safety, provides help for those burdened beyond their means, and creates an environment of "happiness, love and understanding" within which the scars of terror can be healed. We seek justice, not revenge. Accountability under law, not vigilante actions. Tolerance for speech that does not explicitly threaten others. Security measures built on information, not prejudice. Penal consequences built on necessary restraint and re-education, not retribution.

The place to start? In our own homes with our own children. We provide consistent and reliable love and understanding. We listen wholeheartedly trying to know the emerging person who is our child. We set firm and caring limits on our children's dangerous and hurtful activity. We celebrate their curiosity even when it's inconvenient. And we make sure our own emotional and spiritual needs are being met.

Author, Stop Arguing and Start Understanding: Eight Steps to Solving Family Conflicts, Montlake Family Press, September 2001. 1-888-565-3404

Handout #3
Parenting for Conscience-Teenagers: The Art of Losing Gracefully
David C. Hall, M.D.

You've survived your child's early and middle childhood, hopefully with many enjoyable moments. Now you face the intimidating teen years. With all the pain of adolescent moodiness-irritability, indifference, withdrawal, defiance, rudeness-and all the risks of adolescent testing-drugs, sex, violence, crime, runaways, cars-you ask, How am I going to stay sane?

1) Parenting is difficult.
- Remember this, so you'll be ready for how hard you must work sometimes.

2) Right from conception, treat every child with love and respect and give them choices you define as safe and appropriate.
- Children develop self-esteem by learning from mistakes for which they are accountable.

3) Be ready and be steady with a sense of humor.
- Your teenager's task is to challenge your authority; your task is to validate that your authority is evenhanded, compassionate, and firm on core values.

4) Learn about the risks your child faces and how other families have survived them.
- Teenagers face real world risks, maiming or killing some of them, so talk with school authorities, your child's friends, other parents, your own parents, your doctor, your minister, and anyone else you think can help.

5) Keep faith with your child and with your own good parenting.
- You've built a relationship of love and respect over many years. Let it help you now. Don't give up on it.

6) Honor your own best judgment.
- Sometimes your teen will come up with harebrained ideas, or selfish ones. Set firm limits for your household that say "I love you all" and stick to them. When it's the right time to say "No," say it firmly. Love doesn't bend for devious, hurtful, or selfish impulses.

7) Limit your battles to ones vital to individual and family safety and health.
- Say "yes" whenever you can. Mean "no" when you say it. Keep your decisions clearly based in the best interests of both your teenager and the family.

8) Choose tactics that reinforce respect and dignity for all parties.
- Try to accommodate any legitimate interest your teenager wants to pursue. If you need to say "no," help your teen come up with an acceptable alternative. And always leave room for saving face.

REMEMBER: Your surest way to gain and keep your teenager's love and cooperation is your love and respect for your teenager and yourself. If you've been supporting your child's budding ability to make good choices all along, your task will be somewhat less traumatic. If you need to repair damage done earlier, face it squarely, admit to yourself and your teenager any mistakes you have made, and correct them openly. You're setting the model for honest recovery from the inevitability of mistakes.

You cannot show too often that you love your child and that you are proud of her or him. Just remember to keep it honest. When you are displeased, communicate your displeasure in a civil and straightforward way that engages your child's ability to acknowledge misconduct or mistakes and to make amends.

Time to seek help: When you consistently model the love, honor, and respect you want from your teenager and your teen is unable to return it, it's time to seek help. When your teenager becomes depressed, intoxicated, withdrawn, or too angry to talk, and the behavior lasts for more than a few days, it's time to seek help.

Two common times for trouble: 1) One reliably difficult time for families arrives when children reach the developmental stages when the parents had a difficult time with their own parents. The unconscious recordings of these earlier difficulties easily get replayed a generation later with the once traumatized child now playing the role of parent. 2) A second predictably difficult time is when a child who has been very close emotionally to one or both parents begins to emancipate. This child may well need to create more havoc to deal with his or her own distress over severing the close ties that were so important only months ago. Neither of these two circumstances require professional help if the parent involved sees her or his way to keeping a calm and loving response to the provocations.

If you do need help, ask someone you trust for suggestions. Check my web site at http://www.FamilyHealing.com for additional help.

Author, Stop Arguing and Start Understanding: Eight Steps to Solving Family Conflicts, Montlake Family Press, September 2001. ISBN 0-9710500-0-7
Orders: 1-888-565-3404 or your local bookstore

Handout #4
Parenting for Conscience-Children Zero to Five: Nurturing Curiosity and Civility
David C. Hall, M.D.

Author, Stop Arguing and Start Understanding: Eight Steps to Solving Family Conflicts, Montlake Family Press, September 2001. ISBN 0-9710500-0-7
Orders: 1-888-565-3404 or your local bookstore

Handout #5
Parenting for Conscience-Children Six to Twelve: It's a Wonderful Life (Sometimes)
David C. Hall, M.D.

Gentleness and Tenacity

Author, Stop Arguing and Start Understanding: Eight Steps to Solving Family Conflicts, Montlake Family Press, September 2001. ISBN 0-9710500-0-7
Orders: 1-888-565-3404 or your local bookstore

Handout #6
The Art of Parenting Teenagers and Grand-Parenting Their Parents
David C. Hall, M.D.

One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many divorcing families include children. Parents who are getting a divorce are frequently worried about the effect the divorce will have on their children. During this difficult period, parents may be preoccupied with their own problems, but continue to be the most important people in their children's lives.

While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their security. Some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or direction. Divorce can be misinterpreted by children unless parents tell them what is happening, how they are involved and not involved and what will happen to them.

Children often believe they have caused the conflict between their mother and father. Many children assume the responsibility for bringing their parents back together, sometimes by sacrificing themselves. Vulnerability to both physical and mental illnesses can originate in the traumatic loss of one or both parents through divorce. With care and attention, however, a family's strengths can be mobilized during a divorce, and children can be helped to deal constructively with the resolution of parental conflict.

Parents should be alert to signs of distress in their child or children. Young children may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or withdrawing. Older children may feel deep sadness and loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As teenagers and adults, children of divorce often have trouble with their own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem.

Children will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live together. Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to "choose sides" can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child.

Parents' ongoing commitment to the child's well-being is vital. If a child shows signs of distress, the family doctor or pediatrician can refer the parents to a child and adolescent psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment. In addition, the child and adolescent psychiatrist can meet with the parents to help them learn how to make the strain of the divorce easier on the entire family. Psychotherapy for the children of a divorce, and the divorcing parents, can be helpful.

Bullying is a common experience for many children and adolescents. Surveys indicate that as many as half of all children are bullied at some time during their school years, and at least 10% are bullied on a regular basis.

Bullying behavior can be physical or verbal. Boys tend to use physical intimidation or threats, regardless of the gender of their victims. Bullying by girls is more often verbal, usually with another girl as the target. Recently, bullying has even been reported in online chat rooms and through e-mail.

Children who are bullied experience real suffering that can interfere with their social and emotional development, as well as their school performance. Some victims of bullying have even attempted suicide rather than continue to endure such harassment and punishment.

Children and adolescents who bully thrive on controlling or dominating others. They have often been the victims of physical abuse or bullying themselves. Bullies may also be depressed, angry or upset about events at school or at home. Children targeted by bullies also tend to fit a particular profile. Bullies often choose children who are passive, easily intimidated, or have few friends. Victims may also be smaller or younger, and have a harder time defending themselves.

If you suspect your child is bullying others, it's important to seek help for him or her as soon as possible. Without intervention, bullying can lead to serious academic, social, emotional and legal difficulties. Talk to your child's pediatrician, teacher, principal, school counselor, or family physician. If the bullying continues, a comprehensive evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other mental health professional should be arranged. The evaluation can help you and your child understand what is causing the bullying, and help you develop a plan to stop the destructive behavior.

If you suspect your child may be the victim of bullying ask him or her to tell you what's going on. You can help by providing lots of opportunities to talk with you in an open and honest way.

It's also important to respond in a positive and accepting manner. Let your child know it's not his or her fault, and that he or she did the right thing by telling you. Other specific suggestions include the following:

Ask your child what he or she thinks should be done. What's already been tried? What worked and what didn't? Seek help from your child's teacher or the school guidance counselor. Most bullying occurs on playgrounds, in lunchrooms, and bathrooms, on school buses or in unsupervised halls. Ask the school administrators to find out about programs other schools and communities have used to help combat bullying, such as peer mediation, conflict resolution, and anger management training, and increased adult supervision.

Don't encourage your child to fight back. Instead, suggest that he or she try walking away to avoid the bully, or that they seek help from a teacher, coach, or other adult. Help your child practice what to say to the bully so he or she will be prepared the next time.

Help your child practice being assertive. The simple act of insisting that the bully leave him alone may have a surprising effect. Explain to your child that the bully's true goal is to get a response.

Encourage your child to be with friends when traveling back and forth from school, during shopping trips, or on other outings. Bullies are less likely to pick on a child in a group.

If your child becomes withdrawn, depressed or reluctant to go to school, or if you see a decline in school performance, additional consultation or intervention may be required. A child and adolescent psychiatrist or other mental health professional can help your child and family and the school develop a strategy to deal with the bullying. Seeking professional assistance earlier can lessen the risk of lasting emotional consequences for your child.

Facts for Families: CHILDREN WHO WON'T GO TO SCHOOL (Separation Anxiety)
No. 7 (Updated 11/98)

Going to school usually is an exciting, enjoyable event for young children. For some it brings fear or panic. Parents have cause for concern when their child regularly feels sick from tension, "plays sick" or with minor physical complaints wishes to stay home from school. Not wanting to go to school is most common in children 5-7 and 11-14, times when children are dealing with the new challenges of elementary and middle school. These children may suffer from a paralyzing fear of leaving the safety of their parents and home. The child's panic and refusal to go to school is very difficult for parents to cope with, but these fears can be treated successfully, with professional help.

Refusal to go to school often begins following a period at home in which the child has become closer to the parent, such as a summer vacation, a holiday break, or a brief illness. It also may follow a stressful occurrence, such as the death of a pet or relative, a change in schools, or a move to a new neighborhood.

The child may complain of a headache, sore throat, or stomach-ache shortly before it is time to leave for school. The "illness" subsides after the child is allowed to stay home, only to reappear the next morning before school. In some cases the child may simply refuse to leave the house.

feel unsafe staying in a room by themselves
display clinging behavior
display excessive worry and fear about parents or about harm to themselves
shadow the mother or father around the house
have difficulty going to sleep
have nightmares
have exaggerated, unrealistic fears of animals, monster, burglars
fear being alone in the dark, or
have severe tantrums when forced to go to school

The potential long-term effects (anxiety and panic disorder as an adult) are serious for a child who has persistent fears and does not receive professional assistance. The child may develop serious educational or social problems if away from school and friends for an extended period of time.

The parents and child can benefit from seeing a child and adolescent psychiatrist, who will work with them in an effort to immediately return the child to school and other important daily activities. Since the panic comes from leaving home rather than being in school, frequently the child is calm once in school. Refusal to go to school in the older child or adolescent is generally a more serious illness, and often requires more intensive treatment.

Unreasonable fears about leaving the home and parents can be successfully treated, and parents should not hesitate to seek professional help. The child's physician can refer the parents to a child and adolescent psychiatrist.

For more information see Facts for Families #4 "The Depressed Child," #8 "Children and Grief," #47 "The Anxious Child," and #50 "Panic Disorder in Children and Adolescents."

Facts for Families: NORMAL ADOLESCENT DEVELOPMENT
Middle School and Early High School Years
No. 57 (5/97)

Parents are often worried or confused by changes in their teenagers. The following information should help parents understand this phase of development. Each teenager is an individual with a unique personality and special interests, likes and dislikes. However, there are also numerous developmental issues that everyone faces during the adolescent years. The normal feelings and behaviors of the middle school and early high school adolescent are described below.

With the high incidence of divorce and changing patterns of families in the United States, there are increasing numbers of stepfamilies. New stepfamilies face many challenges. As with any achievement, developing good stepfamily relationships requires a lot of effort. Stepfamily members have each experienced losses and face complicated adjustments to the new family situation.

When a stepfamily is formed, the members have no shared family histories or shared ways of doing things, and they may have very different beliefs. In addition, a child may feel torn between the parent they live with most (more) of the time and their other parent who they visit (e.g. lives somewhere else). Also, newly married couples may not have had much time together to adjust to their new relationship.

The members of the new blended family need to build strong bonds among themselves through:

While facing these issues may be difficult, most stepfamilies do work out their problems. Stepfamilies often use grandparents (or other family), clergy, support groups, and other community-based programs to help with the adjustments.

Parents should consider a psychiatric evaluation for their child when they exhibit strong feelings of being:

In addition, if parents observe that the following signs are lasting or persistent, then they should consider a psychiatric evaluation for the child/family:

Child and adolescent psychiatrists are trained and skilled at providing comprehensive psychiatric evaluations of both the child and family.

Most stepfamilies, when given the necessary time to work on developing their own traditions and to form new relationships, can provide emotionally rich and lasting relationships for the adults, and help the children develop the self-esteem and strength to enjoy the challenges of life.

Additional/related Facts for Families, #24 "Know When to Seek Help for Your Child," #1 Children and Divorce," #52 "Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation," #8 "Children and Grief," and #66 "Teens with Stress." Your Child (1998 Harper Collins)/Your Adolescent (1999 Harper Collins)

Facts for Families: CHILDREN WHO CAN'T PAY ATTENTION/ADHD
No. 6 (Updated 5/99)

Parents are distressed when they receive a note from school saying that their child "won't listen to the teacher" or "causes trouble in class." One possible reason for this kind of behavior is Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

Even though the child with ADHD often wants to be a good student, the impulsive behavior and difficulty paying attention in class frequently interferes and causes problems. Teachers, parents, and friends know that the child is "misbehaving" or "different" but they may not be able to tell exactly what is wrong.

Any child may show inattention, distractibility, impulsivity, or hyperactivity at times, but the child with ADHD shows these symptoms and behaviors more frequently and severely than other children of the same age or developmental level. ADHD occurs in 3-5% of school age children. ADHD must begin before the age of seven and it can continue into adulthood. ADHD runs in families with about 25% of biological parents also having this medical condition.

A child presenting with ADHD symptoms must have a comprehensive evaluation. A child with ADHD may have other psychiatric disorders such as conduct disorder, anxiety disorder, depressive disorder, or manic-depressive disorder. Without proper treatment, the child may fall behind in schoolwork, and friendships may suffer. The child experiences more failure than success and is criticized by teachers and family who do not recognize a health problem.

Research clearly demonstrates that medication can be helpful. Stimulant medication such as methylphenidate, dextroamphetamine, and pemoline can improve attention, focus, goal directed behavior, and organizational skills. Other medications such as guanfacine, clonidine, and some antidepressants may also be helpful.

Other treatment approaches may include cognitive-behavioral therapy, social skills training, parent education, and modifications to the child's education program. Behavioral therapy can help a child control aggression, modulate social behavior, and be more productive. Cognitive therapy can help a child build self esteem, reduce negative thoughts, and improve problem solving skills. Parents can learn management skills such as issuing instructions one step at a time rather than issuing multiple requests at once. Education modifications can address ADHD symptoms along with any coexisting learning disabilities.

A child who is diagnosed with ADHD and treated appropriately can have a productive and successful life. If a child shows symptoms and behaviors like those of ADHD, parents may ask their pediatrician or family physician to refer them to a child and adolescent psychiatrist, who can diagnose and treat this medical condition.

For additional/related information see other Facts for Families: Learning Disabilities (#16), Conduct Disorders (#33), Manic-Depressive Illness in Teens (#38), Questions to Ask about Psychiatric Medications for Children and Adolescents (#51), Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation (#52).

Raising Healthy Teens Takes Courage and a Plan

David C. Hall, MD

If you want healthy teenagers, start with a drug- and smoke-free pregnancy and a loving early childhood. Get all your children lovingly through their first six years of life and the traumas of teen-hood will remain manageable. You don�t have to know all there is to know about it to be a good parent. But you do need a plan and the courage to carry it out.

The elements are seemingly simple: love your children unconditionally, understand their individual natures, take good care of yourself, connect with a loving community, and be humble in the face of a glorious, violent, often unknowable world. The challenge is to do these things consistently throughout their lives. The more chaotic your own life, the more important it is to create loving order for your children.

Stop Arguing and Start Understanding: Eight Steps to Solving Family Conflicts is a step-by-step approach to these issues and how to pursue them successfully. You start by taking responsibility to see that the outcomes you want are achieved. Learn about your children and their problems. Hone your parenting skills to reinforce the outcomes you want. Train yourself to be loving, firm and effective. When you need help, search it out. Join the community around you and seek the comfort of family and friends. Stay true to your core values and beliefs and humble in the face of a task too big for any individual. And never give up.

Parenting teenagers will invariably challenge even the best of parents. Paradoxically, the strengths teens will need to succeed in this complex and demanding world are the very strengths they will use to drive us crazy. They build their skills and confidence through escalating contests with us, the people they trust the most to love them despite their defiance and misbehavior. If we lose our own restraint, good humor, and clarity about what�s most important, then their emancipation is compromised and our parenting tasks grow more frustrating and unsatisfying.

The art of parenting teenagers is the art of losing gracefully. As the father of two boys with all the advantages a parent could wish for, I learned they could beat me in many different ways. When one son turned twelve, we ran a 440 yard dash and I beat him by ten yards. In the rematch a year later he was twenty yards ahead after the first hundred yards. Two years later he was strong enough to snap me in half. My other son called me from an emergency room. His girlfriend had overdosed after a physical fight and he was talking with the police because he had hit her back. Both sons have let me know over the decade and a half since their middle teens that their parents had only the slimmest notion of what they were up to back then. And yet they both love their parents dearly and are beautiful, responsible adults. So what was the secret?

We loved them intensely, gave them as much responsibility as they could handle (and occasionally more), used discipline to educate rather than punish, and helped them whenever they asked for it.

So here�s the plan. (You�ll have to provide the courage.)

1) Keep your sense of humor.

Humor helps to keep our conflicts in perspective, and to not take ourselves any more seriously than necessary.

What were your own teen years like? What stunts and tug-a-wars did you pull on your own parents? The idea is not to keep your teens from doing something you don�t think they should do, it�s to keep them from suffering permanent harm. Anything short of that can be laughed at as a brush with catastrophe that didn�t happen.

Regina runs away to a friend�s house because she doesn�t want her parents telling her she can�t see her boyfriend. How can her parents respond so mutual respect grows and defiance becomes less necessary? First, they can appreciate that she isn�t in her boyfriend�s car enroute to Las Vegas. Then they can celebrate that someone else is going to have to put up with her for a while.

2) Respect your teenager�s efforts to individuate into a complex, tempting, sometimes emotionally treacherous world.�

Regina�s parents can start by respecting her motives and judgment. It�s understandable that she would want freedom to see her boyfriend. Remember, Shakespeare�s Romeo and Juliet were only fourteen years old. Seen from her perspective, running to a friend�s house may actually be a pretty good choice. She goes to a safe place. She puts distance between herself and her parents. She lets her parents know she�s serious about her independence and gives them a chance to think things through. And she stands up for herself, an essential skill if a teen is to navigate successfully through middle school and beyond. She could have taken a wide range of more dangerous steps to prove that her parents are not in control. If her choices have exposed her to serious risks, then tighten the leash, ground her, and spend time listening carefully, so you have an idea how she is thinking about her dilemmas. And let her know in every way you can how precious she is in your lives and how glad you are that she wants to become her own person. Sadly for some families, the parents don�t get it the first or second time, they become more dictatorial or even abusive rather than understanding, and their teen is forced to more extreme and dangerous behaviors just to prove they cannot be controlled�in the long run a lose-lose outcome for parent and teen.

3) Reframe problems in ways that give everyone positive choices.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to succeed as a teenager these days? If your child isn�t doing well in school or keeps friends you don�t trust, ask yourself why. Why is he not motivated? What�s missing or what�s getting in the way? Put yourself in her shoes and see if you can figure out the pressures and temptations that she faces. Frame problems in ways that create positive solutions for you and them.

It is a fundamental task of adolescence to test personal boundaries, to test their own skills and strengths, and to test the wider world for its true dangers and possibilities.

The more successfully we managed our own adolescence, the more likely we have useful guidance for our own teenagers. Otherwise, we need to look for new ideas that have a better chance to help them than our strategies did for us. Think positively. Every problem has a potential solution. Look at the situation in ways that give you new perspectives and positive ideas to try. Humor works by reframing a situation in unexpected ways. You can also be deliberate in taking new approaches, including granting your teens greater responsibility, providing enhanced positive incentives to cooperate, providing more consistent discipline, and just plain listening to learn how they see and feel about their lives.

Gerard�s grades have been slipping for a year. He spends more time playing video games and instant messaging than on his homework. He says he�s getting his work done, but his last report card says he may fail two classes. He�s been hanging out more by himself than with friends recently and staying up to all hours of the night.

Maybe Gerard is just being lazy, but it still begs the question, Why? Perhaps he is being bullied, getting depressed, or finding new interests that trump school for now. Maybe he�s too distractible to keep up with the accelerating pace of his schoolwork. Or maybe he�s fallen in love. Might now be a good time for him to experiment with shifting his focus away from school and/or parents and family? What does he hope will happen as he pursues his current course? What�s the most serious harm he might face? What might he learn by taking responsibility for the outcome of his own decisions? If you don�t trust that he can take care of himself in his current environment, what help does he need from you or others? What will it take for him to accept help? Here again is a prime time to listen to him in order to understand what sense he makes of his situation. Parents can be uniquely effective in helping their teens to see problems in new ways that create more useful approaches to problems, that is, unless your teens have tuned you out for being overly anxious, controlling, impatient, judgmental, or not listening.

4) Be steady in your love, positive in your expectations, and firm in your discipline.

A key way to share love is to listen�intently with a goal to see it and understand it the way your teenager does. It requires of you time, patience, and heartfelt respect for your teen�s efforts to deal with the world the way she finds it. Our teenagers need our love, our encouragement, and our wisdom in the form of safe boundaries and timely availability. You child doesn�t become a different person when puberty takes her into adolescence. You already know the child�s strengths and shortcomings. Use this knowledge to adjust your expectations and discipline for the adolescent�s growing abilities and curiosity. Use your own experience of adolescence as a map. Set expectations together that define both what she wants from her adolescence and how she will achieve it. Share with her what you wanted as an example for conversation, then listen intently when she shares what she wants. The more you discuss it over time, the more developed the ideas will become. What she believes she wants at thirteen doesn�t limit what she may want at sixteen or nineteen. It�s a stepping stone that helps her arrive where she wants to be. Your role as parent is to help her to stay on track and to do the hard work it takes to reach meaningful goals.

5) Check out your understanding with other parents and available authorities.

When your own map isn�t helping, or you don�t trust the map you�ve developed with your teenager, then ask others with experience for their input.

The time may well have arrived for Gerard�s parents to talk with his teachers, and perhaps the parents of his friends. Does he have friends at school? How are they doing in school? Is anyone giving him a hard time at school? A bully, a girlfriend, or someone else? Is he having trouble sleeping or feeling unduly tired during the day? Is he worrying more than usual? Or is he just tired of you trying too hard to parent him?

Parenting can become an exceedingly lonely project. The more you connect with others who understand, the more support you will experience and the better able you will be to keep crises within manageable bounds. It�s always helpful to run your perspectives and ideas by other people. That way you can hear yourself as you tell your story and they can give you an outsider�s feedback as a check on the inherent tendency we all have to think we must be right.

6) Keep your sense of humor.

If God had meant it to be easy, we�d have been given fully grown, independent, God-fearing children. So much for wishful thinking.

7) If all else fails, ask for help.

Accept responsibility to make your parenting satisfying. Don�t let the challenges beat you down. If that happens, ask for help. No shame, no blame, just let people know you�re in over your head right now and need someone to give you a hand. Ask a family member or a friend, ask other parents, ask your doctor or your pastor. Join a parenting group. Join a church or Scouts or Campfire or an Anonymous organization or a community sports program. Or start your own parent group, book club, parents� night out, or neighborhood potluck.

Good luck.

Tips for Parents, Families, and Professionals

Gentleness and Tenacity

"Facts for Families"

Raising Healthy Teens Takes Courage and a Plan

WINTER BLUES