Dr. Hall's Comments on Parenting Questionnaire

1. I want to be a good parent.
   I hope this is true.

2. I love my children no matter how badly they misbehave.
   I hope this is true, too. It is vitally important to separate our love for our children from how they behave, to be able to say, "I love you, and you are going to your room now for hitting your sister, and I love you."

3. I feel out of control with my children too much of the time.
   Any time we feel out of control with our children is a time to be concerned. We can acquire many skills to help us stay in bounds.

4. My parents gave me good models for how to be a good parent.
   I hope this is true. Most of us get some good guidance from our parents. What is missing we have to learn in other ways.

5. My ideas for dealing with trouble usually help make the situation better.
   The more ideas you have, the better. The more real choices we have in the face of trouble, the more likely we will have a good choice.

6. I can enjoy rebellious children.
   I hope you said yes. If not, you probably have ghosts to visit. Rebelliousness is a sign of character and confidence. It can also be a sign of desperation. We do better to foster constructive rebellion, where we help the rebel to find satisfaction in his own way of doing things, rather than accepting a power struggle where one of us must lose.

7. I can be firm with my children when I need to be.
   Loving parents hold the line when they need to. We don't do our children any favors by letting them get away with misbehaving. They learn responsibility through facing proportionate, loving consequences for their successes and failures. It is better to learn about consequences within the confines of a loving relationship at home than to discover the harshness of consequences out in a world that bears no love for them.

8. I can redirect my children from their misbehavior most of the time.
   Especially with small children, redirection into constructive play earns a double benefit. We get them to do what we find acceptable, and their behavior is reinforced by the fun that follows.

9. I can get my family to solve problems together.
   This is an important skill to develop if you aren't already proficient. The key is good listening. People get irritable and uncooperative when they feel unheard and unappreciated or are mentally ill. Once you learn what is really bothering someone, you have a chance to help make the situation better.

10. My natural tendency is to give my child a second chance.
    Generosity is a virtue in child rearing as long as it is accompanied with firm and loving discipline. Third and fourth chances for one offense begin to reinforce irresponsibility. Set standards you know your children can meet, then hold them accountable. This way they learn social skills, self-discipline, and respect for others' needs and wishes.

11. My children can make me laugh.
    Teaching our children appropriate use of humor is teaching them how to get along in the world. Loving humor can heal most wounds. Reinforce humor that is honest and inclusive anytime you can. Ultimately we will hold our children to standards of love, honesty, and respect. We model these values when we honor humor that says, "You caught me and I love you."

12. Sometimes I dread being with one or more of my children.
    Sometimes one of our children is more difficult to love and that child will often become a special concern. Special children require special strategies for parenting. Before pinning on yourself the label of "bad parent," seek help for the specific problems you are having. We are not born knowing how to parent each of our different children well.

13. I have physically or mentally injured one of my children.
    This is difficult to admit and yet very important. It is very hard to stay in bounds all the time. When we say something harsh or react physically against our children, we are responsible, no matter what the provocation. Each of us is always responsible for what we do. If we have erred, we make amends and work to resolve the concurrent stresses that led us to misbehave. We should hold our children to this same standard, too.

14. I can predict when trouble is likely to erupt in my family.
    This ability is very helpful. Awareness of the emotional realities within the family gives us opportunities to plan ahead. It is more effective to find ways to defuse and heal emotional pain than to clean up after eruptions. Learning the patterns of conflict opens new possibilities for creative problem solving.

15. My partner and I work well together in raising our children.
    Partnership is best. Working out a partnership takes intentional focus and communication, a sense of humor, and willingness to back each other up within the parameters of loving discipline.

16. There are alcoholics in my family.
    Alcoholism in families can be devastating for children. When we grow up with an alcoholic parent, we learn to accommodate the uncertainties of brief and prolonged emotional absences, blunted feelings, secrets, denial, fear, loss, and maybe emotional or physical violence. This then becomes the norm for creating our own families, and we tend to introduce our children to similar injuries.

17. Serious depression or anxiety problems run in my family.
    Learn to recognize the signs, so when mental disorders emerge within your own family, you get appropriate help early, rather than suffering the painful consequences of an untreated disorder.

18. I had some very rough times with my own parents.
    These times are likely sources of ghost intrusions into your parenting responses now. Be especially careful when dealing with your children concerning issues where you had bad experiences growing up, so you don't simply recreate in your family the chaos and pain that you endured as a child.

19. Someone in my own family was sexually or physically abused.
    You need professional help. The more love and support we get for ourselves and for anyone else who was injured, the more likely we are to heal. Abusers are invariably themselves survivors of abuse or a mental disorder or both and may be so caught up in their own lies and denials that they cannot cooperate in the healing. If so, they must leave the home. The challenge of abuse in families is to hold all members accountable for their own needs, feelings, and actions. Full acceptance of responsibility for abusiveness, followed by appropriate amends, lays a foundation for healing and possibly forgiveness. Honesty and love are the balm that can speed healing.

20. I would seek professional help if I thought my family needed it.
    Reluctance to expose a family's "dirty laundry" to a stranger is both natural and understandable. But don't let it stop you if your family needs outside help. Talk with somebody. Ask others about professional help they have received. A good referral can make a world of difference with complex disorders and family problems.

21. My parents encourage my efforts to be a good parent.
    Even from a distance, loving, understanding parents are a blessing. Give them a chance to listen, at least, and tell you they love you. Figure out what you need. Then, if they cannot provide it, find someone who can. In a pinch, imagine what they would provide if they were emotionally able. You might be amazed at how much better you feel.

22. I have a supportive extended family available to help me.
    A supportive family acts as a buffer against isolation and a place to turn for help and resources. If you don't have a supportive family, then you need to find support and resources elsewhere. These are available in varying quantity and quality in many communities but require a search. The information in the appendices may help you get started.

23. I have a supportive group of friends who sometimes join in my family activities.
    Again, friends are a buffer against isolation and helplessness. Let them know what's going on with you and in your family. Most likely they will not be able to solve your problems, but their listening will empower you to think of new ideas and new resources.

24. I have meaningful friends and activities of my own, separate from my family.
    The more we lead lives that allow us full expression of our personal interests and talents, the better model we create for our children to do the same. Happiness comes with doing the activities that nourish our curiosity, creativity, and friendships.

25. I belong to a community of people where I feel safe and accepted.
    Finding a community for your family is an important task of good parenting. Healthy families usually are connected to multiple communities formed around shared neighborhood, activities, interests, and religion. The rewards are profound when we find safe and accepting communities.

26. My family belongs to a community of faith or mutual support.
    Faith communities have many ways to support troubled families. So do some community groups organized for common childcare, economic empowerment, and neighborhood improvement. The key is finding people genuinely interested in helping each other.

27. I notice beauty when I encounter it.
    Nature provides an always-ready battery charger for our souls. Beauty brings us peace, energy, and rededication to life. Soak it up. Beauty is everywhere--in flowers, storm clouds, smiles, kind deeds, and starry nights. And it's free.

28. I find life miraculous at times.
    This speaks of our ability to appreciate and celebrate the wonderful intricacies that abound in life. Start by admiring a newborn baby and let the feeling grow as you look more closely at every marvelous living thing.

29. I can raise healthy children.
    Yes. You can!

30. I believe I am a good parent.
    This belief comes from seeing your children thrive under your care. If you are loving and honest and consistently encourage cooperation, you should raise happy, secure, and responsible children. If you don't, either you are blind to something you are doing that is undermining your efforts, or your children have special needs you have yet to recognize.

By now you have a more conscious awareness of your parenting strengths and weaknesses. Make a commitment today to build on your strengths and to improve your weaker skills.

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