September 3, 2003
David C. Hall, MD
Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist
In this issue:
Getting a Strong Start in School
HUMOR to Lighten Your Day
Getting a Strong Start in School
The beginning of a new school year is the second busiest time of the year in my child and adolescent psychiatry practice (the busiest comes after the winter break). Hints of coming trouble arrive with the first graded homework assignments or early teacher conferences. Your son's performance is off. Your daughter's head is just not into school yet.
Here's a list of common problems elementary school parents shared with me, followed by a brief discussion. How many sound familiar?
Juggling work and child care
Most American children now live in a family where the parent or parents work. Children usually do fine in quality childcare when they have daily contact with a loving parent. The challenge for a working parent is to reserve emotional energy for both family and work. Mentally plan your workday to include three good hours with your family. Parents who come home exhausted invite trouble.
Different expectations for quality of work between parent, child, teacher
In the end it's up to you as a parent to set the expectations for your child. If you're unsure what your child can do, then you may want to consult an educational psychologist for testing. Meanwhile, see if whoever expects the most of your child turns out to be right about his or her abilities. In brief, expect excellence and appreciate what you child is able to do. If your child gets consistently discouraged trying to meet expectations, then expectations are probably too high for now.
Different parenting styles between parents
Agree to experiment. Try it one parent's way for a while and see how your child thrives. Then try it the other's way. Often you're both partially right. Find the common ground and let your child's growth tell you what works.
Homework
Set regular study times and keep the environment quiet and as distraction-free as possible (no TV, computer games, loud music, etc). Be available to help, if only to let your child explain what the assignment is and what's stumping him or her at the moment. If you're sure your child does not understand the assignment, do your best to explain it or have your child contact the teacher the next day. You might need to follow up with the teacher as well. There are times when walking your child through an entire assignment can be very helpful. Do your best to listen to their level of frustration and help them find constructive ways to get around it. Rereading the instructions, doing something else first, taking a brief break, trying again before school in the morning, getting an earlier start on the large assignment next time, and so on.
Our kids don't get enough down time
It's so easy to over-schedule our kids and over-schedule ourselves. There are so many things to do just to stay organized and so many activities that would be good for our kids. Pay attention to how much enjoyment you and they get from each activity and how much energy it takes. If you have to choose, choose the activities that give the most satisfaction for the energy invested. Learning is a life-long enterprise, so focus on making school and other activities fun and satisfying. If your kids are happy but you're not, ask for help for yourself.
Not enough family time together
The busier the family, the more you must schedule family time into your routines and make the most of the times that you do have together. Riding in the car together, attending a child's event with other family members, planning regular family getaways. If work pressures force you to cheat your family at times, keep an account, and make it up at slower work times. If you're avoiding your family, be honest with yourself and get help.
Work and money
Think of money as your life energy . You spend your life energy to make money and every time you spend money, you spend your life's energy. Make sure you like the value you get from your work, and spend that energy cautiously when you shop. Think about each purchase you make in terms of the life satisfaction that purchase provides. Is it worth an hour of your work time to go out to lunch or to have that new pair of designer jeans. As your children get old enough, give them an allowance so that they, too, can begin to make the connection between money and life energy.
Here's a global framing of the same issue from David Korten :
"The more dominant money has become in our lives, the less place there has been for any sense of the spiritual bond that is the foundation of community and a balanced relationship with nature."
Power struggles
Persistent power struggles between parents may benefit from outside professional help. Power struggles with your children can be signs of healthy growth. Strong children will test themselves first against their parents. Keep your sense of humor and recognize the developmental tasks your child is working on. From your toddler's first "NO!" to your mid-teen's systematic defiance, keep in mind your child is honing the skills he or she needs to deal with a cantankerous and often dangerous world. The defiance your teen shows you is the defiance she can show a peer pressuring her for sex or drugs, or later on, her government pursuing policies she seriously disagrees with. Raising strong children requires courage and a vision of how they will grow into caring parents and good citizens.
Hormones
Biology rules puberty and fuels power struggles. Again, keep your sense of humor and recognize the developmental tasks your child is working on. Make sure your child understands the biology and knows what to do to ride the biological rollercoaster. It can be a good time to share your own experiences of puberty as a way of letting them know you've been there, too.
Extended family - not enough or too much
Extended family can be such a blessing, if you as parents stay in charge of the terms of engagement. You are in charge of your own family and responsible for their welfare. Your parents had their turn. When your parents intrude, be firm and clear with them that they have exceeded their invitation and restate the invitation, to be sure they are clear on the terms you have set. If extended family feels unavailable, make explicit invitations to engage with them. If they still don't respond, you may need to develop surrogate family ties with other families. Cooperative daycare and play arrangements will sometimes bring families together, as will sports teams, neighborhood groups, scouting, and religious gatherings.
Here's a list of common problems I see in my office, in ascending order of difficulty, and tips for handling them.
1. My child is a slow starter in school.
Be patient, understanding and encouraging. Talk with your child's teachers. Set study routines, be available to help as you're able or get tutoring help, and if necessary withhold permission for play or socializing until a reasonable amount of schoolwork is completed.
2. My child is having difficulty transitioning into a new school setting.
Shifts from elementary to middle school or middle school to high school invariably create new tensions and challenges for young students. As in #1 above, be patient, talk with teachers, and set study routines. In addition, talk with your child about the new surroundings and social challenges he or she is facing. Listen carefully. Your child may well feel frightened or overwhelmed. Break the difficulties down into manageable problems, then help them come up with strategies to deal with each problem.
3. A month into school, my child is falling farther behind.
Get the teacher's assessment of the problem and your child's ideas, too. How big a problem is it? Is the work too difficult? Is your child interested in the subject? Does she or he have difficulty paying attention in class? Are there social complications in the class (bullying, love crush, teasing, etc), at school, or outside school? Are there tensions at home that are interfering with his or her ability to focus on school? Once you isolate the problem(s) work with your child to develop specific strategies for each one. If there has always been a problem with focus and concentration that now seems to be getting worse, look into the possibility of Attention Deficit Disorder.
4. My child is getting more surly and withdrawn.
Is the difficulty only at home, or is your child having similar problems at school and with friends? If the problem cuts across home, school and friends, your child may be depressed. If there is a family history of depression among close relatives, suspect depression if your child's energy is low, interest has waned, motivation seems to have evaporated, and they don't snap out of it within a day or two. With teenagers a key indicator of depression is their loss of interest in friends and activities they usually enjoy. Talk with your family doctor if depression seems to last more than a week. If the problem is specific to one area of your child's life, then look for specific conflicts in that area and try to air them by listening intently and without judgment to your child's concerns. Then together come up with a definition of the problem(s) and specific solutions for each one. If you get stuck, ask for outside help through your school or doctor.
5. My child is skipping classes.
This is an early warning sign of potentially much greater trouble. Which class(es) is he skipping? What is it about the class that he is avoiding it? Where does he go while the class is in session? Create the opportunity to talk with your child in a neutral setting where your single objective is to hear as full a discussion of the difficulties by your child as he can provide. No criticism. No consequences yet. Just an open discussion about how hard school has become. Together work to define the problem(s), then make specific plans for dealing with each one. Keep in mind the problem may be social, academic, or emotional. Each requires a different set of solutions.
6. My child is refusing to go to school.
School refusal has a number of possible roots. Listen carefully to your child's concerns. Is she feeling intimidated or harassed at school? Does the work seem overwhelming? Is she afraid that something bad will happen at home while he's at school? Does she become excessively anxious about some aspect of the school day? Once you narrow down the possibilities, again work with your child to define the problem(s) and come up with specific plans for dealing with each one. If school refusal persists more than a few days, check in with your doctor. Stomach aches and headaches may be physical manifestations of the stress your child experiences. If your child has missed more than a week of school without a clear-cut medical reason, seek out a professional counselor. The longer a child is out of school, the harder it is for the child to reenter successfully.
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HUMORGreat Truths about Life that Little Children Have Learned
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
uppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
(Laffnow.com)
More humor: If You Need to Go to the Bathroom
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If
anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little
voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
(onemom@geocities.com)
One more joke: A Child's View of Geography
Where's the English Channel?
I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.
(onemom@geocities.com)
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Thanks for your interest. Your feedback keeps me going, so please send your thoughts if you'd like these newsletters to continue. Please forward this email to a friend.
Dr. Hall will come speak to your PTSA or other group
If your PTSA, church group, or other gathering would like a speaker on good parenting, please call me at 888-565-3404 or email me at dchall@wolfenet.com.
"What [Dr. Hall] had to say was of great value. It was true it covered many basics but there were many in the audience who had not gotten to that level of parenting with thoughtfulness."
-- Cathy Moore, Endeavor Elementary PTSA, Issaquah
May 2003 be a good year for you and your family,
Dr. Dave Hall
dchall@wolfenet.com
Dr. Hall has been a member of American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry since 1981.
He is also author/publisher of Stop Arguing and Start Understanding: Eight Steps to Solving Family Conflicts, Montlake Family Press, 2001. Awarded the 2002 Benjamin Franklin Award for Best first non-fiction book by a new publisher from Publishers Marketing Association and ForeWord Magazine's 2001 bronze medal for Parenting Book of the Year.
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Stop Arguing Newsletter
September 3, 2003
Publisher: David C. Hall, M.D.
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(c) 2003 Montlake Family Press