Talking with Children about War

Monday, January 20, 2003
David C. Hall, MD
Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist

Greetings parents and friends of families!
We addressed issues of domestic and cultural violence in Newsletter #3 (below).
Here we discuss talking with our kids about war and violent international conflict.

1) Love your children: be kind and loving at all times, be firm when you need to be, and listen to them with an open heart and mind. [This is what Stop Arguing and Start Understanding is all about.]

2) Educate yourself about the issues: watch the news (with your children if they're old enough), read news reports, check out the internet for other sources of information, ask people you trust. Most mass media outlets are owned by a half dozen giant corporations, so check out alternative news sources to find out what's not being said or said in half-truths.

3) Act on your beliefs: children are reassured to know their parents are not helpless. Let your children know you vote. Write letters about your concerns and help them to do the same. Participate with others in standing for what's important to you.

Developmental considerations:
Children's ability to understand complex issues grows with age and education. As a general guideline, children up to about age six or seven have difficulty distinguishing between real and fantasy events. Much of their electronic experience is replete with violent cartoons and movies. By seven or eight they begin to understand that when someone dies they don't get up again, when someone's hurt it can really hurt. Many middle and high school students are ready to engage the world's imperfections (and yours!). They can see the fact that horrific things happen to people and Earth. War is one of them.

The easiest way to know what news your children can handle is to watch TV with them, read news articles together, and listen to their descriptions of what's going on. You may be quite surprised both by how much they know and by how much they misunderstand. These are teachable moments when using questions to draw them out can become fun and educational for both of you. I have known a second grader to tell me that nuclear weapons "vaporize people." A third grader told her teacher she wasn't afraid because "my mommy's working to stop the war."

Children who have known real trauma are more susceptible to being traumatized again by news of violence, including war. Reassuring them that they are safe with you and letting them talk as much as they need to about their feelings and fears will help them to master their fears.

Finally, encourage them to act constructively if they feel a need to act. Do it together or help them to do it on their own.

Further information:

Talking with children about war (from the NYU Child Study Center): http://www.aboutourkids.org/articles/war.html

Some well researched information about the situation in Iraq that you're not getting from the White House (for your use and your older children only): http://www.nonviolence.org/vitw/pages/myth_reality_print.html

Martin Luther King, Jr. said in his Nobel Peace PrizeA cceptance Speech in 1964:
"After contemplation, I conclude that this award which I receive on behalf of that movement is profound recognition that nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral question of our time -- the need for man to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to violence and oppression." (http://www.mlkonline.com

I hope this information is helpful and that you enjoy your conversations with your children.
All the best, Dr. Dave Hall

Children and Cultural Violence:
Navigating the Violence Within and Around Us

We're a feisty, John-Wayne lot here in the United States. Don't mess with me or I'll shoot! Rugged individuals rule. Solutions to conflict in our popular media often degenerate into "justified" assault and even murder. The NRA would have us all armed despite the fact that a loaded gun at home increases the risk three- to five-fold that someone in the home will be maimed or killed. Small arms and weapons sales is now a $60 billion sector of the U.S. economy.

We hear echoes of these themes coming from our President following 9/11 and more recently about Iraq. (America armed both the Taliban and Iraq.) Now "terrorists" die by missiles fired from drone planes half a world away. It's an eye for an eye. We humans are neurologically wired to re-create the traumas of our childhoods either as perpetrator or victim. The result is a public health nightmare.

Here's a glimpse of the problem at home courtesy of my professional association, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (see endnote):

1999 Violence Fact Sheet (United States)
- In 1996, the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect reported 969,018 cases of violent crimes committed against children
- In 1996-97, 10 percent of all public schools reported at least one serious violent crime to police or law enforcement (Bureau of Justice Statistics and Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, U.S. Department of Justice).
- Gunshot wounds to children ages 16 and under have increased 300 percent in major urban areas since 1986.
- According to FBI reports, 2,900 juveniles were arrested for murder in 1996.
- Estimates indicate that as many as 5,000 children die each year as a result of mistreatment and abuse from parents or guardians.
- Everyday in America 16 children and youths are killed by firearms (Children's Defense Fund, 1998).
- Nearly a million U.S. students took guns to school during 1998 (Parents Resource Institute for Drug Education).
- Each year 123,400 children are arrested for violent crimes in the U.S. (Office of Juvenile Justice and Juvenile Delinquency Prevention, 1997).
- Persons under age 25 make up nearly 50 percent of all victims of a serious violent crime (The Institute for Youth Development, 1998).

So what can you do to keep your kids safe?

Arm them with 1) self-esteem, 2) self-confidence, and 3) non-violent strategies for recognizing and dealing with potentially dangerous situations.

1) Love them. Let them know in a thousand ways how precious they are to you, how devastated you would be if something terrible happened to them, and how ready you are to help whenever they ask.

2) Discipline to teach, not to control. Raise them to know it's ok to make mistakes if they learn from them. When they bully or are bullied, help them to see the other as a potential friend and reinforce their efforts to bridge gaps of misunderstanding and low self-esteem.
3) Model good listening, fairness, and creative problem-solving that meets the basic needs of those in conflict. Seek help if their skills or yours seem overwhelmed by their circumstances.

Two excellent resources:

Younger children: Frankel, Fred, Ph.D. Good Friends Are Hard to Find: Help Your Child Find, Make and Keep Friends. Los Angeles: Perspective Publishing, 1996.

Older children and adults: Ury, William, Ph.D. Getting Past No: Negotiating Your Way from Confrontation to Cooperation. Rev. ed. New York: Bantam Books, 1993.

I have stopped watching television news, because so much of it hypes murder and mayhem. At least with a newspaper I can choose what to get upset about. Television is designed to agitate us so we will tune in for the commercials that pay the broadcasters.

Logo athletic shoes cost 3 to 10 times their value just for the prestige that advertisers create in the minds of vulnerable children. One study took 8- and 12-year-old children and showed them identical pairs of sneakers, except one pair was labeled K-Mart, the other Nike. The 8-year-olds liked both. The 12-year-olds scoffed at K-Mart.

"... [television in the U.S. began] as a vehicle for selling goods and services, not as a vehicle for informing, enlightening, or broadening horizons, and we have paid a "price" for this decision in the lack of specialized programming for children." -- John P. Murray, School of Family Studies and Human Services, Kansas State University, 1995. (Murray staffed the US Surgeon General's Scientific Advisory Committee on Television and Social Behavior in 1972.)

Murray quotes Newton Minow, chairman of the Federal Communications Commission in 1961, "When television is good, nothing - not theater, not the magazines or newspapers - nothing is better. But when television is bad, nothing is worse... [Watch a full day of television and] I can assure you that you will observe a vast wasteland." In 1991 Minow revisited the issue of TV violence and stated, "In 1961, I worried that my children would not benefit much from television, but in 1991, I worry that my grandchildren will actually be harmed by it." (http://www.ksu.edu/humec/kulaw.htm)

Protect Your Kids from Television:

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) recommends:

a) Viewing programs with your children
b) Selecting developmentally appropriate shows
c) Placing limits on the amount of television viewing (per day and per week)
d) Turning off the TV during family meals and study time
e) Turning off shows you don't feel are appropriate for your child
(http://www.aacap.org/publications/factsfam/tv.htm)

Online Victimization: A Report on the Nation's Youth This federally funded research report from June 2000 estimates that nearly half of all 10 year-olds and 87% of all 17-year-olds are regular internet users. 5 million children or up to one quarter of all children regularly online faced unwanted exposure to sexual material at least once during the year. 4 million children or one fifth of all children regularly online faced sexual solicitations or approaches, and 3% of them were invited to make contact offline by phone, mail, or in person. The most distressing solicitations were those where the solicitor attempted to meet the child, the solicitation took place on a computer away from home, and the solicited child was younger.
(JAMA, June 20, 2001, Vol 285, No. 23, pp. 3011-3014)

Protect Your Kids from the Internet and electronic games: The AACAP recommendations for television viewing hold for video and computer games and online computer time, too.

Misogynous Music? Many parents express concern about the vile and violent lyrics in some of their children's music collections. Concerns as summarized by the AACAP include
- Advocating and glamorizing abuse of drugs and alcohol
- Pictures and explicit lyrics presenting suicide as an "alternative" or "solution"
- Graphic violence
- Rituals in concerts
- Sex which focuses on control, sadism, masochism, incest, children devaluing women, and violence toward women

Protect Your Kids from musical misanthropy: Be aware what your child or teenager is purchasing, downloading, listening and viewing, and help them identify music that may be destructive. An open discussion without criticism may be helpful. (http://www.aacap.org/publications/factsfam/musicvid.htm)

Addicted to video games or computers? Here's additional information: http://www.mediafamily.org/facts/facts_gameaddiction.shtml

INSPIRATION: A 2½-Year-Old Heals

Every once in a while as a child psychiatrist I meet a kid who steals my heart. We'll call her Carey. She was 2 1/2 years old when her grandmother brought her to see me. Carey had been in a car wreck six months earlier in which her mother had died. When she came into my office, Carey buried her head in her grandmother's clothes. Her grandmother told me the story, then left the office. Alone with me Carey turned, toes and nose touching the wall, and started to cry. She cried for the twenty minutes until our time was up. While she cried I told her how sad and angry I thought she felt and how scary it must have been to see her mother die like that.

A week later Carey came in by herself and immediately faced the wall again. She cried for 45 minutes this time while I guessed out loud what she was feeling. When she was done, she looked up at me for the first time, then left, never having said a word. About four months later I called the grandmother to see how Carey was doing and was told that she now seemed happy again, was actively playing with other kids, often smiling, and sometimes talked about missing her mother.

HUMOR: Via Washington, DC

A little boy wanted to know what it was like to have $100.
His mother told him to pray to God for it.
He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up.
Then he decided he should write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, the government deducted $95.

Thanks for your interest. Hit Reply and send me your ideas and suggestions. Your feedback keeps me going.

If your PTSA, church group, or other gathering would like a speaker on good parenting, please call me at 888-565-3404. "What [Dr. Hall] had to say was of great value. It was true it covered many basics but there were many in the audience who had not gotten to that level of parenting with thoughtfulness." -- Cathy Moore, Endeavor Elementary PTSA, Issaquah

Happy Thanksgiving,
Dr. Dave Hall

** The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) is a national, professional, non-profit medical organization established in 1953 to support and advance child and adolescent psychiatry through national public information, continuing medical education, and research. The 6,900 member child and adolescent psychiatrists actively research, evaluate, diagnose, and treat psychiatric disorders affecting children, adolescent, and their families. The AACAP disseminates information in an effort to remove the stigma associated with mental illnesses, promote prevention of mental illnesses, and assure proper treatment for the children and adolescents who suffer from mental, emotional, behavioral, or developmental disorders. 3615 Wisconsin Avenue Washington, DC 20016 202.966.7300

Dr. Hall has been a member of AACAP since 1981.
He is also author/publisher of Stop Arguing and Start Understanding: Eight Steps to Solving Family Conflicts, Montlake Family Press, 2001. Awarded the 2002 Benjamin Franklin Award for Best first non-fiction book by a new publisher from Publishers Marketing Association and ForeWord Magazine's the 2001 bronze medal for Parenting Book of the Year.

Our Promise: Your email address is secure with us. We will only use it for Newsletter postings. If you wish to subscribe or unsubscribe, simply reply by email with Subscribe or Unsubscribe on the Subject line.

Stop Arguing Newsletter
November 11, 2002
Publisher: David C. Hall, M.D.
http://www.FamilyHealing.com
(c) 2002 Montlake Family Press