It takes a village to sustain a family.
We are much more likely to find the security and blessing we hope for from family when we find a community of reliably caring people with whom to share our lives.
Trustworthy and caring adults form the foundation of a healthy family. Healthy families thrive with connections to caring others, not isolation. Even the healthy introvert ventures into public when personal and family need requires.
Finding safe and reliable people outside your immediate family can be a daunting problem. Solve this trust problem and your dreams will start to come true.
But you ask, "What if my track record in finding safe and reliable friends is a disaster?" The process is the same one you used within your own family—look to your personal part in creating the disaster. What is it about the friends you choose that make them unreliable and unsafe? Odds are your ghosts are at work—similarities between these friends and key people in your earlier life who were also unsafe and unreliable. It’s up to you to see these relationships clearly, so you can continue your search around more promising qualities in potential new friends.
The heart of the matter is simple. You will grow spiritually when you care about other people. The essence of good parenting is serving your children’s true developmental needs. You are on the right track when your children are growing in confidence, generosity, responsibility, humility, humor and determination in their relationships with their friends, neighbors, extended family and you. Without a loving community to grow up in, they can miss important opportunities to learn these essential attitudes and skills.
A good place to look for supportive community is ordinarily your own extended family. Is there a family member emotionally healthy enough to to listen well? Maybe they have been through similar trials. If you ask for a fair chance to be understood, will they agree to engage with you? Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as my father used to say. Once again take responsibility for keeping yourself in bounds emotionally, understand the other's point of view, and be clear about what you want.
Religious communities are a ready-made place to seek support. For someone seeking a supportive community outside their healing family, the multitude of religious communities can prove a fertile place to seek personal and family sanctuary. These are commonly available, often stable, resourceful, and accessible places where families are routinely welcomed. You might already have some connection through an acquaintance or previous experience. When you visit a new congregation, trust your intuition (hopefully ghost-free by now) about what feels safe and right, and you will be able to make a good choice for yourself and your family.
Many religious communities create for their members the loving, inclusive environment that fosters the generosity we are talking about. So these are likely places for your family to seek a community to love and accept you as you are. The forms and rituals that define religious groups can be perplexing and intimidating to newcomers, especially if you have little or no familiarity with them. Question people already in the community about what keeps them coming back, what meaning and nourishment they find.
Entering any community as a newcomer has its awkwardness, so be ready to steel yourself with courage and the energy to take emotional risks. Remember, you are on a search. You are seeking a place you feel welcomed for who you are, and feel enough comfort and hope to invest yourself further. Visit a number of places to experience the range of possibility, then choose the one that fits best.